Attracting doula clients that are unlike me

I’m not the doula for everyone, but I am the doula for a lot of you. I was looking back at birth data for my clients and thought, “I wonder how many of these people have ever or will ever cross paths? How many of these people would I have ever met or supported had it not been for doula work?” Not many was the answer to both, but especially the second question. I am not a social butterfly, so that’s a factor for sure, but also the majority of my clients have been so much different than me.

The reason that I attract such a varied population is because I know that your birth experience is not about me and everything that I do is in accordance to this belief. This is not to say that I have no beliefs, preferences, or personality of my own. I seek to be myself always.

Thank you to all of my previous (and future doula clients) who’ve shared pieces of themselves with me and trusted me with their stories and care. Our relationships have been examples of health and growth, where we both give and both take and both end up better because of them.

How do I choose my care provider? Statistics, Opinions, or Intuition?

Recently, my doula friend, Mother Well Doula Services, held an amazing webinar on birth options in Central KY. It was so wonderful, in fact, that I am offering the replay to any client who wants more information before they choose their birth location/provider. If you’re in the process of making these choices, hospital statistics and “amenities” can be very helpful in informing your decision. There’s also a really good chance that your friends, or even complete strangers, have told you which providers they’d recommend (and maybe you’ve gotten their full birth stories ((unsolicited?)) as well). Maybe the stats and recs lead you to meet with a provider, or even consider them your chosen provider. You go to your first appointment and your gut is raising red flags, or maybe it’s saying that you are safe and heard. So, what do you do with all of this information? What do you listen to- statistics, opinions, or your intuition?

Honestly, it’s a question that I cannot answer without knowing A LOT more about you. In general, I’d say that all of them matter, but the one that deserves the most weight will depend on your individual needs and plans. As a doula mainly serving folks birthing in Lexington, KY, I have worked with a lot of professors from local universities and colleges, including UK, Centre College, Transylvania University, and Lindsey Wilson College. Some of these clients are very data-driven and pay close attention to the statistics. For these folks, it’s important to know a hospital’s numbers, and likely more important to know the numbers specific to their provider’s practice. Many of us are also influenced by our peers’ opinions. Spend 20 minutes in a parents’ group on Facebook, and you can probably gather as many provider recommendations. Then, there’s also the feeling you get when meeting with or looking into a certain practice or birth location. It’s a lot to process, especially if this is your first baby.

As of Monday, I have watched 30 different providers catch/deliver babies. I’ve been to all of the hospitals in Lexington, most in Central KY, and a couple in the Louisville area. I’ve also been to home births with three different professional midwives. So, I’ve seen what the statistics look like in person/action. I know the offerings of most local hospitals. I have a really solid sense of how the different practices operate and which providers are most in line with your desired birth experience. Maybe your friend says Dr. X is amazing or that Midwife Z is such a good listener, but to who are they comparing these providers? I cannot emphasize enough how valuable my experience with so many different hospitals, OBs, midwives, doctors, and nurses is to you when you choose me as your doula. While protecting specific client details, I promise to be transparent about what I have witnessed as a doula.

You’re likely to hear a lot of noise in terms of opinions when you’re pregnant. It’s rarely helpful and often causes you to question your own intuition. While there are certain professionals who are incredibly knowledgeable about the medical side of birth, or the statistics and evidence around birth, as a doula I have a broad perspective on birth experiences in Central KY. I also do my best as a professional to remain unbiased and provide information that is specific to you and your needs. I also feel best aligned with clients who are able to tune into their intuition about providers. You know better than anyone what is best for you, your baby, and your body. Did you feel rushed and ignored? Listen to that. Were you surprised that your blood pressure stayed normal and that you didn’t feel embarrassed asking all of the questions you put in your phone notes before you left home? Wow- that’s meaningful. I’m here to listen to you and provide unbiased informational support.

Every birth I’ve supported has been different in so many ways. Yours will be different from those. I hope to help you quiet outside noise (and even noise in your own brain) and help you focus on what is important to you. I don’t have a list of recommended birth locations or providers and would never blast a recommendation to the general public because everyone’s needs are different. Your situation is unique and I’m ready to support your decision making with unbiased informational support and active listening. I will never doubt that you know better than anyone what is best for you.

Which KY hospitals are allowing doulas?

Updated 04/24/23

Some of you have asked at which hospitals I can support births in person along with a partner, so I will plan to keep the updated list here. Of course, I can attend any Kentucky home birth in person and will happily do so as long as you’re okay with me wearing a mask and you are not COVID positive; I am also unable to attend hospital births if you are COVID positive. I am fully vaccinated and boosted against COVID-19 (Moderna). The following list is not extensive and only includes the hospitals at which I have attended births during the pandemic:

Baptist Health Lexington - “Visitors are limited to 2 per patient and may not rotate. 1 visitor may stay overnight. They are encouraged to remain for the entire stay and wear a mask in the room with mom and baby. Doulas count towards visitor count.” Doulas are not permitted in the OR or in recovery for Cesarean births.

Clark Regional (Winchester) - “No children under the age of 14 are allowed to visit the unit unless they are a sibling of the baby being born. Children under the age of 14 (even siblings) are not allowed to attend the actual delivery. Siblings count as a visitor and need to be accompanied by a responsible adult at all times (other than the birthing person).”

Ephraim McDowell Regional - “One overnight birth support person and two visitors who may not rotate. Total of three visitors during this time. Doulas are considered part of the visitor count. Exceptions may be made on a case-by-case basis with the care delivery team.”

Frankfort Regional Medical Center - “Our women's health department is open from noon to 8:30pm. The mother’s partner or support person may visit at any time. Children under the age of 10 are not allowed, except for the children of the patient.”

Norton Women’s and Children’s (Louisville) - “Two visitors at a time, 24/7. During labor and delivery, a properly credentialed doula also may be present as part of the care team.”

Saint Joseph East Women’s Hospital - three visitors (when in active labor, otherwise one) + a doula

UK HealthCare - three visitors + a doula

Kentucky home birth - partner(s) + a doula

2019 Reviewed

While a 19th baby could sneak in before year’s end, I know that the family would be perfectly fine waiting until 2020 for their newest family member, so I am going to share my stats for this year:

18 births (17 live births, 1 stillbirth)

First set of twins!

17 hospital births, 1 home birth

16 vaginal, 2 Cesarean (1 scheduled for breech, 1 unplanned)

10 unmedicated, 8 epidurals

9 inductions

9 with certified nurse midwives, 9 with OBs or family practice doctors

Smallest baby: 5 lbs, 12 ozs

Biggest baby: 9 lbs, 6 ozs

Shortest labor support time: 3.5 hrs

Longest labor support time: 36 hrs

Average labor support time: 15 hrs

Longest gestation: 41 weeks + 5 days (induction)

First birth: 14

Second birth: 4

Location of births: Baptist Health Lexington 7, UK 6, Clark Memorial 1, Ephraim McDowell Fort Logan 1, Norton Women’s & Children’s 1, St. Joe’s East 1, Home 1

Baby’s sex: 12 females, 6 males

Most common first name initial: M (3)

Most common middle name initial: E (3)

2019 was my busiest and hardest year yet, for some reasons that I will share and others that I choose to keep private. 50% of my clients had their labors induced. I do not know what the average rate for inductions is at most of the practices that were included in this stat, but this felt very high. Some of the inductions were medically indicated and others were elective or for “squishy” reasons as one of my doula friends dubbed them. To me, “squishy” ones are where the provider gives reasons that one might want to induce, but they are sometimes not evidence based and may come with the additional pressure of fear/scare tactics. Again, that is my interpretation and perspective as a doula who has seen 22 different care providers deliver/catch babies. Inductions can be hard for a number of reasons, but one that often surprises people is how long they can take. My record setting labor support of 36 hours was at an induction.

Another reason that the year was hard was that I witnessed coercion and scare tactics from providers. Coercion is crushing to bear witness to and then difficult to untangle the events and emotions that come after it. I am good at helping clients navigate coercive behavior, but it’s not easy.

Was that too heavy? Okay. 2019 had some wonderful highlights. As the backup doula, I supported my first twin birth! For continuing education, I learned how to use a TENS unit in labor, went to the first ever Evidence Based Birth conference, and had a mentorship with Domino Kirke-Badgley, one of the founders of Carriage House Birth. I also became a certified birth doula through Carriage House Birth. One of the highlights in the birth room was seeing a hospital provider be almost completely hands off with a client (like I would see with a home birth midwife) and watch a partner catch his baby girl.

I’m looking forward to next year as I will have my first repeat clients! I am already more than halfway booked for 2020 as I am taking a limited number of clients, so if you’re interested in hiring me as your doula, now’s the time to connect! Thank you to the wonderful families that allowed me to support them in 2019 and to the people who supported me so that I could be at my best for them.

Pre-Thanksgiving Ingratitudes from Your Grateful Doula

Response to "Gratitude Lists Are B.S. — It Was an "Ingratitude" List That Saved Me" by Liz Brown, originally seen on Britta Bushnell, PhD's page

Please read Liz Brown’s article now…

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When my therapist recommended that I keep a gratitude journal, it made sense that noting the positive things in my life could be a beneficial way to change my outlook for the better. Writing a few gratitudes daily was easy. And that's just it. I've never struggled finding things to appreciate in my life. What I've struggled with are, well, the struggles. Making the gratitude list didn't change my perspective, it made me feel "sadder and deeply ashamed" as Brown notes in her article.

After reading Brown's story, I immediately thought about how people are so quick to remind new parents to find the "little joys" in the day. It starts as soon as someone starts mentioning any discomforts or fears in pregnancy:

"The pain in my groin is unbearable."

"That probably means your baby is moving down and you'll get to meet him soon!"

Or, "The baby was kicking all night and I couldn't sleep."

"But isn't it so much fun to feel them move around!"

Then there is the infamous, "at least your baby is healthy" response to nearly any negative thought (or outright trauma) a person has regarding labor and birth. A total shut down of a person's experience in an attempt to point out the positive. It's during the early postpartum period that I find people frequently push gratitude as a means for improving the new parent's experience:

"I haven't slept more than two hours straight in weeks and I feel like she nurses all day long."

"Look how cute those chubby cheeks are, though. She's gaining weight like a champ. And you got to catch up on all of the shows you like to watch in the process."

Or, "I feel like I'm going crazy talking to an infant all day."

"It's so good for his development. I bet he'll be talking by the time he's one. And you're really lucky that you get to stay home with him for six more weeks. Hold on to these moments! Time flies and you'll miss this sweet baby babble."

Brown's article brought so much relief. I'm not an ungrateful person. Like I said, I could fill pages with deeply heartfelt gratitudes. But I'm also not a super cheerful, bubbly, beam of light. I'm not and I can't fake it 'til I make it on that front. I think that gratitude lists may not be compatible with my personality type, whatever it is. Brown's candid thoughts let me know that I'm not alone and it's doubtful that she's the only other person in the world who feels that way.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could create more space for pregnant and birthing people and new parents to share their ingratitudes? Maybe in doing so, they or the listener would be able to understand what is causing the stress/hurt/negative experience and actually offer a productive and helpful response instead of trying to cast it aside or overshadow it with the "little joys." If nothing else, maybe the person will feel better if all you do is validate their feelings and allow them to share.

Your friend in feelings good and bad,

"Meh"gan