postpartum

Pre-Thanksgiving Ingratitudes from Your Grateful Doula

Response to "Gratitude Lists Are B.S. — It Was an "Ingratitude" List That Saved Me" by Liz Brown, originally seen on Britta Bushnell, PhD's page

Please read Liz Brown’s article now…

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When my therapist recommended that I keep a gratitude journal, it made sense that noting the positive things in my life could be a beneficial way to change my outlook for the better. Writing a few gratitudes daily was easy. And that's just it. I've never struggled finding things to appreciate in my life. What I've struggled with are, well, the struggles. Making the gratitude list didn't change my perspective, it made me feel "sadder and deeply ashamed" as Brown notes in her article.

After reading Brown's story, I immediately thought about how people are so quick to remind new parents to find the "little joys" in the day. It starts as soon as someone starts mentioning any discomforts or fears in pregnancy:

"The pain in my groin is unbearable."

"That probably means your baby is moving down and you'll get to meet him soon!"

Or, "The baby was kicking all night and I couldn't sleep."

"But isn't it so much fun to feel them move around!"

Then there is the infamous, "at least your baby is healthy" response to nearly any negative thought (or outright trauma) a person has regarding labor and birth. A total shut down of a person's experience in an attempt to point out the positive. It's during the early postpartum period that I find people frequently push gratitude as a means for improving the new parent's experience:

"I haven't slept more than two hours straight in weeks and I feel like she nurses all day long."

"Look how cute those chubby cheeks are, though. She's gaining weight like a champ. And you got to catch up on all of the shows you like to watch in the process."

Or, "I feel like I'm going crazy talking to an infant all day."

"It's so good for his development. I bet he'll be talking by the time he's one. And you're really lucky that you get to stay home with him for six more weeks. Hold on to these moments! Time flies and you'll miss this sweet baby babble."

Brown's article brought so much relief. I'm not an ungrateful person. Like I said, I could fill pages with deeply heartfelt gratitudes. But I'm also not a super cheerful, bubbly, beam of light. I'm not and I can't fake it 'til I make it on that front. I think that gratitude lists may not be compatible with my personality type, whatever it is. Brown's candid thoughts let me know that I'm not alone and it's doubtful that she's the only other person in the world who feels that way.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could create more space for pregnant and birthing people and new parents to share their ingratitudes? Maybe in doing so, they or the listener would be able to understand what is causing the stress/hurt/negative experience and actually offer a productive and helpful response instead of trying to cast it aside or overshadow it with the "little joys." If nothing else, maybe the person will feel better if all you do is validate their feelings and allow them to share.

Your friend in feelings good and bad,

"Meh"gan

She’s a human, not an incubator

Many expectant parents make comments along the lines of, “…as long as the baby is healthy” when talking about their upcoming birth. As a mother of two, I wholeheartedly understand wanting healthy babies, but somehow we have created such a babycentric culture that not only friends and family, but also mothers themselves, believe that their mental and physical health have a lower value than that of their child’s. It starts when a woman is pregnant and complete strangers think it’s okay to feel her belly. She’s treated like a vessel instead of a human who may be totally uncomfortable with you touching her body.

Then, as the women thinks about how she might want her birth experience to unfold, she may weigh her options in terms of what is “best for baby.” These sentiments may be echoed or strengthened by her care provider, family, or even her own partner. Of course the baby’s health is important, but did the mother’s lose its value the moment the baby was conceived? There are two lives to consider, and a person shouldn’t be treated as though they are selfish or heartless if they take their own body into consideration.

The postpartum period seems to be a time when a mother’s mental and physical health gets most neglected. It pains me when women who’ve recently birthed are treated as though they’ve served their purpose in delivering this new life to the world, that they’re now an empty incubator, and all of the attention turns to the newborn. New moms need care. They need to know that they have support as they focus nearly all of their energy on caring for their baby. And while mom’s eyes are on the newborn, close family and friends need to remember to keep theirs on the new mom. Is she eating well? Is there something you could do around the house for her so she can feed and rest with the baby? Does she seem overwhelmed or anxious? Does she know that you have her back?

New babies are squishy and adorable and exciting. Feed them and hold them and talk to them. Respect when they’re upset or tired, revel in their joy, and celebrate their milestones. New moms are awesome. Feed them and hold them (if they want to be touched) and talk to them. Respect when they’re upset or tired, revel in their joy, and celebrate their milestones. These are two lives, two humans who are equally important to each other and to the world.