Not everyone's doula

On my website, I state that everyone who wants a doula should have one. As much as I’d love to be that doula for everyone, the truth is, I’m not everyone’s doula. In an earlier blog post, I talked about the importance of making a personal connection with the doula you hire. You are inviting this person to support and be present with you through one of life’s most intimate and sometimes vulnerable events. It is so important that you feel comfortable with the doula’s personality and manner.  

One of the best ways to make sure your doula is a good fit is to meet in person. At About Birth, the in-person consultations are free. My goal in these meetings is to get a feel for how we’d interact and work together. They are brief, typically 30 minutes, and casual. At my last two “interviews”, I was hired on the spot, so sometimes we’ll just know if it’s right. And if I’m not the right person for you, or you want to check out other doulas before making a decision, I understand and encourage it! There are several other doulas in the Lexington, KY, area who practice similarly to me, but have very different personalities that might be more in line with yours.

So, while it’s great to get hired, it’s way more important to me that you’re finding the right person to support you during pregnancy and birth. Who you choose to be on your birth team is crucial to having a positive birth experience. And everyone, I mean EVERYONE, deserves a positive birth experience. 

All my bags are packed (but am I missing something?)

With our first pregnancy, my hospital bag was packed weeks in advance. It was full to the zipper with things I thought I’d need based on books and online articles I’d read. I overpacked and stressed myself out about it. With my next pregnancy, I threw things in a bag in between contractions. Packing, along with many other aspects of birth and baby raising, can be easier the second go-around. So, while by no means a complete list, here are items a lot of people find useful:

• Nursing tanks/bras: Good for easy access to skin-to-skin time.
• Slippers: For walking around the hospital in labor and use around the room postpartum.
• Flip flops: Sure they clean the shower before use, but still…
• Going home outfit for you and baby: Think comfortable maternity wear and seasonally appropriate onesie/jammies.
• Your own pillow: Preferably with a pillow case that will set it apart from hospital's.
• Snacks: For most women, eating and drinking during labor is safe and so helpful.
• Toiletries, and glasses if you wear contacts

For birth partner:

• Sweatshirt: Hospitals can be really cold. My husband had to have a friend bring one (and still hasn’t returned it four years later- sorry, Jarrod).
• Snacks: Hospitals feed mama after the birth, but dads need nourishment, too.
• Breath mints: Mama does not want to smell said digesting snacks while she’s birthing.
• Phone chargers:  Most phones get quite the workout during labor, delivery and postpartum.
• Car seat: The hospital won't let you leave without one installed and will watch you load up baby.

When you hire me, I will provide a more comprehensive list, but in all honesty, you’ll need less than you think. The hospital provides a lot of birthing and postpartum essentials and you’ll spend most of your recovery time in the bed because rest is best.

Every birth is different

You will probably receive tons of unsolicited advice and sharing of personal experiences when you're pregnant. For some reason, people see that belly and think it's a comment box. While most of the time, they have good intentions, it can be overwhelming and not the least bit helpful.  The truth is, just as every human being is unique, so is every pregnancy and birth.  Even if you're not a first time mom, you can't expect for things to be the same with a subsequent birth.

So when you're making preparations during your pregnancy, do your best to put aside others' opinions and your preconceptions and really think about your current needs and desires. What do YOU want from a care provider? What do YOU need to do to feel prepared mentally and physically for the birth? As a doula, I wholly embrace the uniqueness of each birth and each birthing person. I do not have any expectations of you, but will support the ones that you have of yourself. Your birth experience is just that- yours. 

Choosing the right doula

Inviting someone into your birth experience is not to be taken lightly. It's one of the most intimate life events. So how do you go about choosing the right doula? It may sound strange for me to recommend other doulas, but I suggest that you hold in-person interviews with at least two, preferably three, doulas. The purpose of an interview is more about feeling out the connection between you and the doula than it is about discussing details of their services. For example, I lean towards being introverted and quiet in new relationships. I believe that this helps me be an excellent listener and a good birth partner. I'm by no means uptight and I love to laugh, but I can't recall being described as the life of the party (maybe because I'm too busy with the chips and dip, or wine and cheese).

The price of doula services are another factor to consider. Some doulas in and around Lexington, KY, will post their fees on their website. You can also check DoulaMatch.net. Depending on your circumstances, About Birth and other doulas in the Central Kentucky region may work with you on setting their fees. Personally, I believe that having a doula is not a luxury. The services that I provide hold great value and I didn't set my price without consideration of the market value of birth doula services in our area. However, I will do my best to come up with alternative arrangements to be your doula if we're the right fit.

If you're in the middle of your search, I wish you the best of luck in the finding the right birth doula. Please contact me to schedule a free consultation if you'd like to learn more about working with me.

Doulas and partners

A common concern among people considering a birth doula is that a partner's role will be diminished or replaced altogether.  In reality, a doula can and should enhance your partner's role and make their presence at the birth even more special and helpful.  Your partner knows you better than anyone else in the room, and maybe even in the world.  Your doula knows the ins and outs of birth, the stages of labor, and the different emotional and physical needs that may arise during these times. So when you combine these two forces, both the partner and the doula are better able to serve you. 

Maybe your partner is giving you a massage and, while you feel like you need their physical touch, what he or she is doing is REALLY not working.  A doula can suggest other ways to provide physical comfort. Or your partner can tell from the look in your eyes that you've hit a wall, but neither of you know what to try next.  A doula help move you into a new position that might be better for you and the baby, or maybe change something about the setting in the room to make you feel more at ease.  It could also be the case that your partner goes into total deer in headlights mode as you begin moving along deeper into labor.  They have never seen you act the way you are and feel scared, helpless, and probably pretty clueless.  Your birth doula is there to not only support you as the birthing person, but to support your partner in their role and make sure they feel as helpful and connected to you as possible.

As your doula, I would never try to replace your partner.  I want to help them be the best they can be so you both reflect positively on your partnership in bringing baby into the world. Check out this quick article for more info on how doulas and partners work together.