childbirth education

Why I Dropped the Phrase "All Births For All People"

Up until recently, I believed that I was willing and capable of supporting all births for all people. However, a client and I recently ended our relationship and it made me realize that boundaries that I have set in place for the overall health and happiness of myself and my family mean that I cannot support any and every person or birth setting. Oftentimes, I can sense whether a client is a good fit before we even meet (enter a dash of expert level internet research). Other times, it takes the consultation to know whether I want to work with them. During most of the pandemic, I’ve chosen to be a little loose with my boundaries and occasionally ignored my intuition about folks. It hasn’t worked for me or for some clients, so I’m making a change.

One thing that I think a lot of folks, including myself, do not always consider when entering a relationship with a doula is that it is just that, a relationship. Yes, the client pays me to provide a service, but I cannot do that well if boundaries are not well established (on both ends) and one another’s humanity is not respected. While ours is one relationship, we have others that we must attend to with equal or more love and time.

On my end, a couple examples come to mind. I have two children who are the most important people in my life. If they need me, I’m going to be there for them, which is one reason I have backup doulas available. I also value my relationship with self which is why I find that my “built of straw” pandemic boundaries were a terrible idea. Having attended 80-something births is enough to know that I cannot support you without fear or a protective response with any provider or in any birth setting that you choose. And while most people that I work with are different than me and make different choices than I’d make (back to my focus on one another’s humanity), there are some folks that I cannot enter into a business+personal relationship with.

So, I want to apologize to people I’ve unintentionally, but undoubtedly, misled with the phrase “all births for all people.” I also apologize to myself for not seeing how that led to crossed boundaries and near burnout. I’m looking forward to being a better doula for you. Not for everyone, but for you and for me.

How do I choose my care provider? Statistics, Opinions, or Intuition?

Recently, my doula friend, Mother Well Doula Services, held an amazing webinar on birth options in Central KY. It was so wonderful, in fact, that I am offering the replay to any client who wants more information before they choose their birth location/provider. If you’re in the process of making these choices, hospital statistics and “amenities” can be very helpful in informing your decision. There’s also a really good chance that your friends, or even complete strangers, have told you which providers they’d recommend (and maybe you’ve gotten their full birth stories ((unsolicited?)) as well). Maybe the stats and recs lead you to meet with a provider, or even consider them your chosen provider. You go to your first appointment and your gut is raising red flags, or maybe it’s saying that you are safe and heard. So, what do you do with all of this information? What do you listen to- statistics, opinions, or your intuition?

Honestly, it’s a question that I cannot answer without knowing A LOT more about you. In general, I’d say that all of them matter, but the one that deserves the most weight will depend on your individual needs and plans. As a doula mainly serving folks birthing in Lexington, KY, I have worked with a lot of professors from local universities and colleges, including UK, Centre College, Transylvania University, and Lindsey Wilson College. Some of these clients are very data-driven and pay close attention to the statistics. For these folks, it’s important to know a hospital’s numbers, and likely more important to know the numbers specific to their provider’s practice. Many of us are also influenced by our peers’ opinions. Spend 20 minutes in a parents’ group on Facebook, and you can probably gather as many provider recommendations. Then, there’s also the feeling you get when meeting with or looking into a certain practice or birth location. It’s a lot to process, especially if this is your first baby.

As of Monday, I have watched 30 different providers catch/deliver babies. I’ve been to all of the hospitals in Lexington, most in Central KY, and a couple in the Louisville area. I’ve also been to home births with three different professional midwives. So, I’ve seen what the statistics look like in person/action. I know the offerings of most local hospitals. I have a really solid sense of how the different practices operate and which providers are most in line with your desired birth experience. Maybe your friend says Dr. X is amazing or that Midwife Z is such a good listener, but to who are they comparing these providers? I cannot emphasize enough how valuable my experience with so many different hospitals, OBs, midwives, doctors, and nurses is to you when you choose me as your doula. While protecting specific client details, I promise to be transparent about what I have witnessed as a doula.

You’re likely to hear a lot of noise in terms of opinions when you’re pregnant. It’s rarely helpful and often causes you to question your own intuition. While there are certain professionals who are incredibly knowledgeable about the medical side of birth, or the statistics and evidence around birth, as a doula I have a broad perspective on birth experiences in Central KY. I also do my best as a professional to remain unbiased and provide information that is specific to you and your needs. I also feel best aligned with clients who are able to tune into their intuition about providers. You know better than anyone what is best for you, your baby, and your body. Did you feel rushed and ignored? Listen to that. Were you surprised that your blood pressure stayed normal and that you didn’t feel embarrassed asking all of the questions you put in your phone notes before you left home? Wow- that’s meaningful. I’m here to listen to you and provide unbiased informational support.

Every birth I’ve supported has been different in so many ways. Yours will be different from those. I hope to help you quiet outside noise (and even noise in your own brain) and help you focus on what is important to you. I don’t have a list of recommended birth locations or providers and would never blast a recommendation to the general public because everyone’s needs are different. Your situation is unique and I’m ready to support your decision making with unbiased informational support and active listening. I will never doubt that you know better than anyone what is best for you.

In birth, ignorance isn't bliss

The exact path your birth will take is unpredictable. With so many variables in the process, it can feel overwhelming to attempt preparation for all of the possible twists and turns you’ll encounter during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. While it may seem like the best (only?) option is to go in without expectations and follow the lead of your care providers, I want to encourage you to take the reins on your body and your birth experience. You absolutely cannot control every aspect of your birth, but you can educate and prepare yourself for the experience.

When meeting a potential client, I always ask what your plans are for childbirth education. I want to know what you’re going to know about labor and birth. I provide informational support during pregnancy and birth, but that does not replace childbirth education. And not all childbirth education courses are created equally. If you haven’t already booked classes, I’m happy to provide referrals to instructors/courses that will meet your needs.

One of the advantages to preparing yourself for childbirth is that you’re more likely to have an empowering experience when you feel confident about your decisions. You’re in a totally different state of mind during labor, and having to learn about an intervention for the first time when you’re laboring can be distracting and unnerving. It’s hard to really take in the information that’s being shared (or ask for it if it’s not being shared) when you’re laboring. If you’re prepared for what may come, you’ll be clearer on what’s best for you in the moment and in the long run. And all of that education and preparation will hopefully lead to a more positive birth experience and a stronger start into parenthood.