Pre-Thanksgiving Ingratitudes from Your Grateful Doula

Response to "Gratitude Lists Are B.S. — It Was an "Ingratitude" List That Saved Me" by Liz Brown, originally seen on Britta Bushnell, PhD's page

Please read Liz Brown’s article now…

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When my therapist recommended that I keep a gratitude journal, it made sense that noting the positive things in my life could be a beneficial way to change my outlook for the better. Writing a few gratitudes daily was easy. And that's just it. I've never struggled finding things to appreciate in my life. What I've struggled with are, well, the struggles. Making the gratitude list didn't change my perspective, it made me feel "sadder and deeply ashamed" as Brown notes in her article.

After reading Brown's story, I immediately thought about how people are so quick to remind new parents to find the "little joys" in the day. It starts as soon as someone starts mentioning any discomforts or fears in pregnancy:

"The pain in my groin is unbearable."

"That probably means your baby is moving down and you'll get to meet him soon!"

Or, "The baby was kicking all night and I couldn't sleep."

"But isn't it so much fun to feel them move around!"

Then there is the infamous, "at least your baby is healthy" response to nearly any negative thought (or outright trauma) a person has regarding labor and birth. A total shut down of a person's experience in an attempt to point out the positive. It's during the early postpartum period that I find people frequently push gratitude as a means for improving the new parent's experience:

"I haven't slept more than two hours straight in weeks and I feel like she nurses all day long."

"Look how cute those chubby cheeks are, though. She's gaining weight like a champ. And you got to catch up on all of the shows you like to watch in the process."

Or, "I feel like I'm going crazy talking to an infant all day."

"It's so good for his development. I bet he'll be talking by the time he's one. And you're really lucky that you get to stay home with him for six more weeks. Hold on to these moments! Time flies and you'll miss this sweet baby babble."

Brown's article brought so much relief. I'm not an ungrateful person. Like I said, I could fill pages with deeply heartfelt gratitudes. But I'm also not a super cheerful, bubbly, beam of light. I'm not and I can't fake it 'til I make it on that front. I think that gratitude lists may not be compatible with my personality type, whatever it is. Brown's candid thoughts let me know that I'm not alone and it's doubtful that she's the only other person in the world who feels that way.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could create more space for pregnant and birthing people and new parents to share their ingratitudes? Maybe in doing so, they or the listener would be able to understand what is causing the stress/hurt/negative experience and actually offer a productive and helpful response instead of trying to cast it aside or overshadow it with the "little joys." If nothing else, maybe the person will feel better if all you do is validate their feelings and allow them to share.

Your friend in feelings good and bad,

"Meh"gan

2018 Reviewed

Hello friends! 2018 was my first full year as a birth doula. Check out some stats about the births I attended:

11 births total

5 with midwives, 6 with OBs or family practice doctors (all at hospitals)

7 vaginal, 4 Cesarean (1 with OB was planned, 3 others were in midwifery care)

1 vaginal breech birth (family practice doctor)

Smallest baby: 5 lbs, 8 ozs

Biggest baby: 10 lbs, 5 ozs

3 inductions

Shortest support time: 6 hrs

Longest support time: 31 hrs

Most popular first initial of baby’s name: E

Gestational age range: 38 weeks - 40 weeks, 3 days

Any other stats you’d be interested in hearing about? I really love looking back at birth data! I’m on call for a client right now, so who knows, a last minute babe could sneak in tonight.

In addition to these births, I completed a mentorship with Birdsong Brooklyn (I’m actually doing it again this year because it’s THAT GOOD). I also took an amazing solo roadtrip to the Catskills of NY for Advanced Birth Doula training with Carriage House Birth. I feel like that long weekend took me to a whole new level as a doula. So much of doula work is mental work, and the trainers of Carriage House helped me uncover a lot that I continue to work on to improve my doula practice. I also become a DONA certified birth doula (that’s the CD(DONA) credentials after my name) and completed my training to become an Evidence Based Birth Professional.

I’m grateful for my family’s continued support (especially my husband and mother-in-law’s) and for the growing doula community in Central Kentucky. We’re a pretty stellar group of folks! Here’s to the end of calendar year 2018, but also to the continuation of growing and learning for all of those who support birthing people and their families in the Bluegrass. Cheers!

Condescension and Dismissal in Pregnancy and Birth

Being a doula and someone who cares about the emotional, informational, and physical support a birthing person receives, so many of the Lexington, KY, moms’ group Facebook posts about pregnancy and birth light me up! Like right now, I’ve got that temples-about-to-burst feeling from reading through a post about how to manage discomfort in labor without an epidural. A couple commenters wrote that their providers reminded them that they wouldn’t receive a medal for unmedicated labor and that they should do what’s “easiest” and not try to be a superhero. The condescension in those remarks is repulsive.

The overused comment about a medal for forgoing pain medication does not even make sense and is demeaning to all birthing people. One choice doesn’t get some sort of reward that the other does not. Both are valid and can be the best option for any individual or situation.

Anyone who dismisses your preferences or belittles you for the decisions you make is not providing respectful care. In labor, as in every other moment of your life, it is your body. When you are pregnant or laboring, you don’t suddenly lose control over making informed decisions about yourself and your baby. 

A respectful provider should listen to and answer your questions. Yes, they know more about pregnancy and birth than you do. They study and train and practice their work for years. They can understand your medical history and determine your and your baby’s health. But what they are not is YOU. You are a unique human being with experience, values, and thoughts that they may not ask about or may not understand (or that you choose, for one reason or another, not to share). Expecting this level of care is not unreasonable and there are midwives, OBs, and family practice doctors in our area who provide it.

If your provider is demeaning or doesn’t take time to answer your questions, that’s likely the type of care you’ll receive during your labor and birth. And if a friend, family member, or stranger is going to make judgments about you based on your choice to receive pain medication, they’re probably not the ones to go to for advice or pregnancy support. I have seen firsthand how much the birth experience affects the emotional well-being of the birthing person and their family immediately postpartum and months/years afterwards. Please take time to create a birth team that will meet your needs and provide respectful, evidence based care. You are absolutely worth it.

The Ideal Doula Client

As more doulas start practicing in the Lexington, KY, area, it makes my doula heart warm to know that there are going to be more ideal doula + client pairings. In a previous blog post, I talked about finding the right doula, so in this post I want to share what my ideal client looks like. First, here are some of the things that I do not take into consideration when deciding if I want to work with someone. It is incredibly important to me to serve all people, regardless of their race, color, national or ethnic origin, age, religion, disability, sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity and expression. You’re a pregnant human being who wants to explore birth doula services? Let’s talk.

Some people assume that I prefer to work with home birth clients using a midwife. Not true. As long as you’re comfortable in the environment, I am equally content to work at a home or hospital birth, with a midwife, OB, or family practice doctor. Another common misconception is that I’m only helpful as a birth doula if someone wants a “natural” or unmedicated birth. If your preference is to get an epidural (stat!) or you know that you’re going to have a Cesarean birth, I’m as helpful and supportive as I would be to someone wanting to labor and birth without pain medication.

I have had successful doula + client relationships with such a variety of people that I’ve learned to be really open to the type of person or couple that I will work with. One factor that does seem to help my relationship with a client is their relationship with the care provider. A client having trust in their provider typically results in a better birth experience for everyone involved. And as in most relationships, personality compatibility is important, too. I want to know that we’re going to feel comfortable sharing your intimate space and time together.

Are you my ideal client? Am I the right Lexington, KY, doula for you? Read my client testimonials and contact me to set up an in-person conversation so we can find out!

In birth, ignorance isn't bliss

The exact path your birth will take is unpredictable. With so many variables in the process, it can feel overwhelming to attempt preparation for all of the possible twists and turns you’ll encounter during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. While it may seem like the best (only?) option is to go in without expectations and follow the lead of your care providers, I want to encourage you to take the reins on your body and your birth experience. You absolutely cannot control every aspect of your birth, but you can educate and prepare yourself for the experience.

When meeting a potential client, I always ask what your plans are for childbirth education. I want to know what you’re going to know about labor and birth. I provide informational support during pregnancy and birth, but that does not replace childbirth education. And not all childbirth education courses are created equally. If you haven’t already booked classes, I’m happy to provide referrals to instructors/courses that will meet your needs.

One of the advantages to preparing yourself for childbirth is that you’re more likely to have an empowering experience when you feel confident about your decisions. You’re in a totally different state of mind during labor, and having to learn about an intervention for the first time when you’re laboring can be distracting and unnerving. It’s hard to really take in the information that’s being shared (or ask for it if it’s not being shared) when you’re laboring. If you’re prepared for what may come, you’ll be clearer on what’s best for you in the moment and in the long run. And all of that education and preparation will hopefully lead to a more positive birth experience and a stronger start into parenthood.